


Farewell, Circus Man

by UmbraeCalamitas, WhinyWingedWinchester



Series: I Shine Only With the Light You Gave Me [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Doubt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, Friendship/Love, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, Healing, Hurt Caleb Widogast, Hurt/Comfort, Mollymauk Tealeaf Has Feelings, Mollymauk Tealeaf Lives, Resurrection, Soft Boys, c2 e29, chosen family, injuries, severe injuries, spoilers through c2 e29, zemnian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26268763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UmbraeCalamitas/pseuds/UmbraeCalamitas, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhinyWingedWinchester/pseuds/WhinyWingedWinchester
Summary: Caleb knows how close he was to death, so it makes sense that Mollymauk is there. These extra moments will give him the chance to tell Mollymauk something he wished he had said before.
Relationships: Caleb Widogast & Nott, Mollymauk Tealeaf & Caleb Widogast, Mollymauk Tealeaf & Yasha, Nott & Mollymauk Tealeaf
Series: I Shine Only With the Light You Gave Me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1908109
Comments: 2
Kudos: 112
Collections: Finished111





	Farewell, Circus Man

When consciousness wandered in and prodded at Caleb’s attention, he was aware almost instantly of the sense of  _ lost time.  _

He’d never liked losing time, and waking up an indeterminable amount of time since his last brief moment of awareness, he did not know  _ when  _ he was. 

It left him feeling untethered, floating in the middle of an ocean with no land in sight. There was a time when he came back to himself like this and  _ years  _ had passed. Years, gone.  _ Lost.  _

But as his wits gathered themselves, coalescing into some functionality even in his tired, wandering mind, he became aware that it had  _ not  _ been years. Only hours. Almost two, in fact. It was three thirty-nine in the morning, the sky still dark outside and the room lit by the flickering glow of a blazing fireplace. 

Caleb’s eyes were briefly attracted by the flames, but the glow hurt and he turned his head away from them. His body ached at the movement, something twinging in his chest. There was a grinding sensation, like broken bones shifting, and he frowned.

He should have been able to recall what brought him to this point, but it only proved his mind’s exhaustion that he struggled with it as he did. 

He was injured. Badly, by the feel of it. During the last time he recalled being conscious, Caduceus has been there, talking about healing potions. Considering he could breathe without feeling like something inside him was going to pop like a balloon, he supposed the healing potion had done some work. Still, his chest hurt. And his head. And his shoulder. 

He lay still, thinking. 

The battle with the Iron Shepherds. He remembered that. They had worked their way through the Nest, taking out the guards one by one, until they made it down into the dungeons. Until they faced Lorenzo. 

Caleb remembered now, killing the monster. He’d burned his eyes out of their sockets and, for once, the flames had consumed a deserving creature. Lorenzo had died — too late, but at least they had avenged the death and pain wrought. 

He’d been tired, physically and emotionally. It had been a long time since he’d felt such a great loss and the toll… Caleb had sat down on the table to think it all through, to take a breath and try to decide what happened next. 

The pain, of a different sort, had been an unexpected thing. A line of heat steadily growing cold, and the grating,  _ burning  _ twist of metal inside him. He’d landed hard on his shoulder, he remembered. Fallen off the table to the floor, or dragged, as the blade was yanked from his back. Nott had been screaming.

Nott. He could feel her at his feet, lying stretched out across his legs. A familiar position she took fairly often, as if she were trying to prevent him leaving her in the middle of the night. 

As if he’d ever leave her now. 

He must have passed out after the attack, because he didn’t remember the fight that certainly ended in the last Iron Shepherd’s death. He vaguely remembered an enraged roar - Yasha, perhaps? Or, he supposed, Beau could sound suitably menacing, when she chose. 

Consciousness, if you wanted to call it that, had waxed back in long enough to show him a pair of red eyes. Mollymauk. 

And he’d been there after, hadn’t he? He’d kept Caleb company as he straddled the line, teetering on the edge between life and death. It had been… kind. It had been very much like him, to keep an eye on them even after…

Caleb sighed out a breath and closed his eyes. 

“Mollymauk,” he croaked out, and swallowed glass and needles down a desert-dry throat. What was the tiefling doing now, he wondered? 

“He’s still here,” Nott whispered. “He’s just sleeping.” 

She had to wonder at just how much Caleb remembered. Even  _ her _ memories were a little hazy. She remembered Lorenzo. The glaive. The  _ blood _ . 

_ ‘Respect.’  _

Red eyes that had never closed, not until Caleb had pressed the lids down after brushing the snow out of them. 

And then riding and fighting. More blood. Meeting Caduceus. 

Caleb burning Lorenzo’s eyes out of his skull and losing himself. Caleb’s blood. 

Nott shivered a little and curled in closer to Caleb’s side. He was in a much better state now, at least. She put a hand over the almost healed spot on his chest and closed her eyes again. 

“No,  _ schatz.”  _ He sighed. It was a nice thought, but Mollymauk was gone. Caleb was grateful that he had been with him these past few hours. It was a comfort to have the tiefling there, although he regretted that he had not thought to say goodbye. 

Why didn’t he think to use that extra time for a proper farewell? To ask Mollymauk if there was anything he’d like to pass on to the others, to Yasha. It was selfish of him to have kept the tiefling all to himself. 

He opened his eyes and peered down at Nott. He tried to lift his arm but it sent pain shooting across his chest. He settled for shifting his fingers enough to brush against the top of her head. “Are you hurt?” 

“No,” Nott said quietly. “I’m not hurt, Caleb.” She wriggled a little further up the bed and put her head beside his on the pillow. “Molly’s asleep at the end of the bed,” she whispered. “He hasn’t left your side.” 

Caleb frowned at her. “That is not…” His eyes shifted to the end of the bed. He was missing his coat, and he was wearing a shirt one size too big, but Mollymauk was stretched out across the end of the bed like a cat sprawled in the sun. 

His eyes were closed and he was… yes, he was breathing, but Caleb remembered all the moments when he  _ hadn’t been.  _ He distinctly remembered the sight of Lorenzo’s glaive crashing down into him, the sound as it was ripped free. He couldn’t forget it. 

_ “Ich wurde wieder verrückt,”  _ Caleb whispered to himself, and laid back on the pillow, eyes drifting to focus on the ceiling. That was the only explanation. The singular alternative was that Nott had died as well, but she had said she wasn’t injured and Caleb trusted her not to lie to him. So he broke again. He was mad. 

Nott frowned and then moved away carefully from Caleb to crawl down the bed. She prodded Molly in the cheek till he groaned and opened his eyes. 

“Wha…?” he blinked blearily at her and then sat up, eyes immediately moving to Caleb. “Is he--” 

“Alive and sleeping. But he thinks you’re not here.” 

Molly bit his lip. “Well, in his defence, I was rather deceased the last time he saw me.” 

“So go and fix it!” Nott shoved at his shoulder. “Fix Caleb!” 

Caleb sighed and opened his eyes. “It is alright,  _ schatz.  _ I will speak to Jester in the morning.” Although the last healer who had sorted out his head had ended up going mad herself, and he couldn’t imagine such a fate for Jester. 

“Perhaps it is only temporary. I am not healed yet.” He rested a hand over his chest where he could feel most of the pain localized. When he was fully healed, his mind would hopefully settle itself. If not… well, he’d figure it out. 

Molly moved off the bed and up to the top, sitting himself beside Caleb and picking one thin hand up in his own. His purple skin made Caleb’s pale tones look like old paper, and his black claws scratched lightly at the dried blood still caught beneath Caleb’s fingernails. 

“I’m here,” he said gently. “I’m real. And you’re not trapped in  _ here _ ,” he tapped Caleb on the forehead. “Open your eyes, Mister Caleb.” 

Caleb did open his eyes. He looked at the tiefling. “You are an impossible thing, Mister Mollymauk, but I think even this is beyond you.” He frowned and glanced down the bed at where Nott was sitting, pretending not to listen. “She is not lying, is she?” he whispered. “I was close to death. I know that is why I can see you. But she is alive and unhurt?” 

“She’s not hurt. And, well, I  _ was _ rather dead. But I’m not now. And that story will keep until you’re well again. Right now, we’re all worrying about you, silly wizard.” Molly leaned over and touched his forehead to Caleb’s briefly. “I promise we’re all quite alive and well.” 

Caleb sighed and closed his eyes, focusing on that point of warmth where Mollymauk’s head pressed against his. He would like very much to believe what Mollymauk was saying, but it did seem impossible. The dead did not come back so easily. Caleb knew this well. 

But for the moment, he would take advantage of this extra time with the tiefling. 

“Tell me later then, when I am better.” Perhaps he would believe it then, if he was healed and Mollymauk was still here. He shifted his head away and Mollymauk pulled back at the gesture, looking down at him. Caleb regarded him with solemn eyes. “Will you do me a favor, Mollymauk? In case I am correct and you are only here for a time?” 

Nott didn’t even bother to pretend she wasn’t eavesdropping and simply propped her elbows on her knees to watch. These two were so  _ weird  _ with each other. And Molly really  _ had  _ been dead. She shuddered a little. 

Molly nodded. “Of course, Caleb.” 

Caleb nodded thoughtfully as he worked to put his request into words in his mind. “Were there things you would like to say to Yasha? Or anyone else? I did not think to ask before, and for that  _ Ich entschuldige mich.  _ But if you are only here for a short time, I would like to at least help you, what little I can.” He looked away from Molly’s gaze. Those red eyes were so hard to read, pupil-less as they were, and in some respects they made Caleb feel bare beneath them. 

“You were loved,” he whispered, almost too quietly to be heard. “And missed.” 

This was fucking awkward now, Nott decided. She saw how Molly’s eyes got all wide and watery, and she watched how his skin darkened in a blush. “Idiots,” she muttered to herself. These two were weirdos. 

“Caleb,” Molly whispered, and she winced at how  _ wrecked _ his voice sounded. How just saying Caleb’s name was enough to make her own eyes get all watery and emotional. Molly’s hands moved to hold Caleb’s face and force him to look the tiefling in the eye. “I am not dead. I am here. And when you are well enough, Caduceus will tell you how that is.” He brushed a kiss to Caleb’s forehead and Nott wrinkled her nose. “Trust me when I say that Yasha and Beauregard have both berated me  _ most _ sufficiently.” 

That sounded lovely and wonderful and simply far too good to be true. Regardless, Caleb felt himself beginning to  _ hope.  _ Surely… surely if this was all in his mind, then his mind would have summoned something for Mollymauk to say to Yasha. Their relationship reminded Caleb very much of his relationship with Nott, and perhaps a little of whatever was between himself and Beau. Something… not quite formed yet and occasionally violent, but… there. 

Or perhaps he was only seeing things. 

Hope was dangerous, though. He had hoped before and the places it had taken him were ones he would rather forget, and never could. 

Still, he couldn’t force Mollymauk to tell him secrets, and wouldn’t. Of course not. 

He nodded. “Would you…” He cleared his throat. “Would you do something else for me, then? If you do not mind?” 

“Of course,” Molly murmured, what he could get in reciprocation for once not the first thing he thought of while agreeing. “Caleb, of course.”

Caleb cleared his throat. “Um… good.” He swallowed and blinked suddenly damp eyes, because there had been so many times (two in particular and three now) where this was  _ impossible.  _ “I wonder, Mister Mollymauk, if you would let me tell you goodbye? Just in case I do not get the chance again.” 

Molly stared down at him. “Nott,” he said softly, and didn’t look away from Caleb’s face. “Yasha, my dear. Would you give us the room please.” 

Caleb startled a little when Yasha stood up. He had not noticed she was in the room, and her sudden presence was unexpected. 

She gave him a small smile and turned to Nott. “Five minutes.” Her eyes flicked back to Mollymauk and Caleb could see something like nervousness there, and he nearly opened his mouth to tell her she did not need to leave for his sake, but Molly spoke before he could. 

“Thank you darlings.” 

Molly waited until the door had closed behind Nott’s grumbling -  _ “I don’t want to leave the fucking room!”  _ \- and then laid himself down beside Caleb, mindful of his horns, and looked him in the eye. “You still think I’m not here,” he murmured. “Very well. Tell me your goodbyes, Mister Caleb.”

Caleb studied Mollymauk’s face. The firelight sent shadows flickering over his skin and made his eyes look like rubies, and yet there was far too much warmth in them for them to be something as simple and dull as mere gemstones. 

He’d had time to think about this. He’d had a horrible, horrible length of time to think of what he could have said, and  _ didn’t,  _ and so the words came easier than they might have otherwise. 

“I told you once that you were magical and I meant it. You are… you are as colorful and noisy as an entire circus all by yourself, Mister Mollymauk, and I wish I had told you before that I appreciate that. You bring so much joy. To every town we enter. To the Mighty Nein. And… to me. I do not have very much to find joy in, but… I was beginning to find some of it in you and if you are gone, then the world will certainly be a duller place,  _ mein freund.  _ So I do hope that you are correct and you will still be here in the morning, but if you are not…” 

He took a deep breath and held it a moment. “You are a bright spot in a cold and harsh world, and I will miss you.” He swallowed. “Goodbye, Mollymauk Tealeaf.” 

_ Mollymauk Tealeaf. Circus man. Tarot reader.  _

_ Friend. Loved. Missed.  _

“I may be a bright spot, Caleb Widogast,” Molly said after a moment, and smiled briefly. “But you are a star, dear. Clever and bright, unafraid to shine.” He breathed in the scent of Caleb - of the sharp  _ zing  _ of magic and the faint smoky traces of his incense. Dirt and blood, but beneath it…  _ life. _ Books and ink, familiar and warm and  _ here. _

“Perhaps,” he murmured, “when you can see that I am still here… when you’re well enough to hear the story and understand it…” Molly smiled at Caleb. “Perhaps, we can share our magics, hm?” His, bright and intuitive. Caleb’s, warm and glowing fiercely, like the fire he feared and yet wielded with such grace. “We could discover a new kind of magic, maybe.” 

Caleb’s mouth turned up at the corner, a lopsided, hopeful smile. “Perhaps. I think I would like that very much.” 

He moved to reach out and pat Molly’s cheek, as he had done once in Hupperdook, but his wound protested the movement. Instead, he sighed and smiled apologetically. “I do hope you are right, Mister Mollymauk.” He blinked tiredly. “Truly.” 

The door opened quietly behind them, but it was easy to ignore it. Molly just hummed quietly, and let his fingers rest lightly on Caleb’s scruffy cheek. What was it about this odd little human that intrigued him? That made him want to protect him and keep him close. Keep him… well. 

Molly pulled his coat up to Caleb’s chin and tucked him in. “Sleep now, and I’ll be here in the morning. I promise.” 

Caleb thought about telling him not to make promises he might not be able to keep, but he couldn’t bring himself to vocalize it. He wanted Mollymauk to be telling the truth. He wanted him to still be here in the morning. 

He relaxed against the pillows, eyes seeking out Nott and finding her easily. Caleb smiled tiredly as his eyes slipped closed. His chest was aching a little and that conversation had left him exhausted. He could see the concern in Nott’s face. 

“Do not worry,  _ schatz.  _ I am alright.” Just tired. He meant to say something else, but his exhaustion pulled him down quickly, and he was asleep before he could. 

Molly settled back against the pillow, his own eyes wide open and watching Caleb carefully. Nott crept up, burrowed beneath the coat covering him and put her head on Caleb’s chest, right over his stupidly fragile human heart. 

She closed her eyes to the sound of Mollymauk humming something softly, and Yasha joining in from her seat by the window. 

These people were all so fucking weird. 

And she loved them all for that reason.

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
